Sunday, May 1, 2011

Short Story

It was a gloomy afternoon.  Trees swaying in the wind.  Gray clouds gathering in the sky.  The ground still wet from the day before.  This was the season for rain.  Families inside their homes waiting to have dinner.  Street lights about to come on as the sun goes down.  As little drizzles of rain fall from the sky, I rush home trying to beat the storm.  As I ride my bike through the neighborhood, I start to feel drops on my forehead.  I began to peddle faster down the blocks and around the corners.  The rain is falling a little harder now as I approach my two friends' house.
They were brothers named Ramon and Ryan.  Ramon was tall and a little chubby.  He was really funny and goofy.  He had a joke for almost anything.  He was the younger one around the age of fifteen.  On the other hand Ryan was average height, light skinned, and pretty thin.  He had long hair and usually liked to wear it back in a pony tail.  He was a real calm and laid back kind of guy.  They lived just around the corner from my house with their mom, older sister, dad, and their jet black dog Ebony.
Now Ebony was a fairly small black dog, not fully grown yet, and very feisty.  She ran around a lot outside and was always full of energy.  Anytime something would go pass, she would bark at it.  She liked chasing the squirrels in the yard, and even the mail man.  She liked to nibble in things.  At the same time she was just a playful dog and probably would never hurt a fly.  But I was still afraid of her.
As I flew past the house on my bike, Ebony was sitting outside in the front yard, nibbling on a toy bone.  Focusing on the storm approaching and the rain now pouring down on me, I had not noticed Ebony who had begun to bark and chase my back wheel.  I begin to panic looking at my house as I turn the corner.  I thought about riding past it trying to get the dog off of my trail, hoping maybe she will get tired and decide to walk back home.  Then I thought again and now it was past the time I needed to be back in the house and almost time for dinner, plus it was raining.  So I rode down my black as fast as I could, now about ten steps ahead of Ebony.  I turned into my drive way, opened the garage door, drove my bike in to put it away, and screamed for my dad to come out and get this hyper dog that was chasing me.  As I let the garage door down, Ebony managed to sneak under the door right before it closes, barking crazily and trying to catch her breath.  She jumped up and down with her paws scratching against the door of the car parked in the garage as my dad comes out with a broom.  He swings it at her a few times and chases her out to the drive way.  As she runs back towards her home my dad comes back in and lets the garage door down.  Now we are both soaking wet and have to drop our shoes and things off by the back door.  He laughs at me and jokes about me being scared of such a little dog like Ebony, as I go upstairs to wash up for dinner.
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3 comments:

  1. Ok Britt. Just a few critiques:
    -pay attention to the tenses you use. You sometimes switch back between past and present
    -Take out "began" and "begun"
    -talk about the adrenaline rush you were having while you were running away from the dog and the emotion you were feeling

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  2. Brit-Nay!
    I really like the amount of discription you use in the first paragrsaph so that you really get a feeling for the the emotion that will be in the next paragraphs and in the rest of the story. It's very good. I'm not sure if you need any more length according to McCarthy? If so, just try to discribe every little detail and try to recall each event that occured within the story if possible. Otherwise, it's nice.

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  3. Critiques:
    Don’t use the word "things", be more specific
    This is a great story. I like how specific it is. Though, You could describe a few more things in the story.
    I think it is a good length.

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